I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
