God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
