I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
