Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
