I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Randomize
