I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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