He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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