when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
