dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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