i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Sorry about my life...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
