You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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