it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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