I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
