Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
