I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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