As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
