Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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