i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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