I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Randomize
