my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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