Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
