And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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