This girl is more easily done than said...
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
