My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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