Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
