my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
