She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
