Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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