I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
