my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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