i need an iv and a liver transplant
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
