I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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