dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
