last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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