so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
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