WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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