Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize