clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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