i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
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