Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
