Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
