If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
