god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
