plz talk dirty to me
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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