Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
