Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She even gives head with a lisp.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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