My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I enjoy the company of your penis
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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