She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
