I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
It's blow job season.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
