I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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