I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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