Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
