you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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