sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
