you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
