he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
