I've blown a few things in my day
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
