i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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